My people, if you think, even for one single second, that 'Fawlty Towers' is amusing in any way, believe me, had you experienced what the boys have just witnessed in the common room, you would be begging Ebay to let you discover a recording of it. I bring you, then, 'The Something Video Won't Something Work Properly A Something Gain'.

Mrs C: Paul, are you going to start 'Chicken Run' now?

Lodgemaster takes a quick swig of Macon Villages that he's just been enjoying the garden with his eldest daughter and begs of the Deity that the aforementioned video is still on the kitchen table, where he left it. It isn't. Invocations to above follow, among other exhortations.

Me: Hannah, have you seen 'Chicken Run'?

Hannah: 'Chicken Run?' Yes, it's very funny.

Me: No, I mean the video.

Hannah: Yes, the video. Oh! The video! Yes, it's out here on the bench.

(PC offers up gratitude in spades. He then strolls nonchanlantly to the common room and shoves the wretched video into the machine and invites one of the residents to press 'Play'. Does it work? Does it .............y. He knows that Sybil - sorry, Diana - is going to enter at any moment. He presses every conceivable button on every remote in the house. Nothing. Zilch. Rien. Blood pressure rises to dangerous levels.

Mrs C: Have you started it yet?

Me: (with uncharacteristic petulance): Have I started it? No, I have not! Why in Heaven's name does every single person who comes into Newton have to faff about with this set?! It doesn't matter who it is, they just have to fiddle around with it, take every lead out, put it back in the wrong place - and generally muck it up! Honestly!

I should point out that several boys, at this stage, are weeping - with mirth.

Mrs C: Just calm down and lift the set onto the floor. You and I can do that together.

Me: I don't know why we don't just invite the whole science department over here, along with anyone else who's remotely interested in gadgets, so that they can see just how badly they can (I wanted to use a very rude verb at this stage, but being a son of the clergy, decency restrained me from doing so) it up!!

Mrs C. Just be quiet and lift.

(With what can only be called 'bad grace', PC attempted to lft the whole TV system from out of the fireplace onto the floor. Mrs C very narrowly avoided having the whole thing dumped on her foot due to the rather careless manner in which her partner assisted in the execution of this exercise, and TV, video and other bits and pieces landed on the floor with a rather large crash.)

There followed a scene in which spaghetti-like wires were plugged into various places, various boys known to be possessed of tenchnical prowess were summoned and your correspondent continued to practise his Basil Fawlty impressions, much to the huge and uncontrollable amusement of the audience.

Eventually, thanks to the logic of Mrs C and the limited assistance she received from her husband, the Saturday night video began.

Don't you wish you were here?!