Post number 299, and I must tell you, my Followers, that my day started with the jocular headmagisterial rebuke I'd been expecting since telling you about Coffeecupgate. And seeing as Our Leader is one of my most ardent and faithful Followers, I'd better make amends, say sorry and agree that my post did indeed contain, as he so aptly put it, 'a little too much information'! As for the Thursday morning biscuit upgrade, well, I'll let you know. Nothing wrong with custard creams, or digestives, of course, and people such as your correspondent consume far too many of both, but those shortbread cookies that you and I enjoy at parents' mornings, they're as good as it gets.

Mr Porter-night tonight, and it sounded as if all was going swimmingly. Indeed, I think the aforementioned was enjoying one of the computer games himself, from what I could hear through the green baize door.

I should tell you that as I am typing, Jasmine, our ancient tabby, is on the floor behind me, chomping away at the contents of a tin of 'Gourmet Gold' cat food, 'with Ocean Fish'. Ocean fish my **** : if the purveyors think I'm going to believe that some Scottish fisherman risked life and limb in the Atlantic to catch the contents of the meal that Jasmine's just finished then I'm King James the First.

And that, dear readers, enables me to segue nicely into telling you that a new guitar teacher (I think) really is His Majesty. I couldn't believe my eyes at lunchtime, for there, sitting on Mr Bishop's right hand (!) was, honestly, James I. All that was needed was for him to be clutching a copy of the Authorised Bible and I'd have been completely fooled. Perhaps I'm wrong, though, and he's actually the new lute teacher.

I'd better stop. Already I can feel another tap on the shoulder coming on, so I will desist from writing more, and wish you, on the eve of this blog's 300th post, a very fond goodnight.