My Broadband connection has decided that it will keep me on tenterhooks by cutting in and out tonight, imagining that such immature behaviour is entertaining. It isn't.

However, there is some excellent news, and I'm sorry I didn't convey it to you last night, and that is that the cumulative total of goals scored by Newtonians in the matches yesterday was a hugely impressive 16! Nine of those came from one dorm alone, too! A perfectly splendid performance - and I'm very proud of all of them.

As for tonight, well, Mr Porter has been in command, and, with the exception of the lights not functioning in the upstairs common room (the electricians were here today), all has gone well. Is it not extraordinary that when one asks the experts to look at things, especially cars when they go for their services, they seem to be less functionary than they were before? I can remember my dear late father getting cross with our local garage people for exactly that reason. And having recently paid my first four-figure bill for having our own jalopy serviced, I was not exactly in the best of humour when I discovered it had developed a rasping sound from beneath the bonnet when I went to collect it! Goodness, I do witter on.

You might wonder what your LMs do first thing in the morning. Let me tell you. 6.30: our alarm goes. I will omit the intricate detail of the next 30 mins and take you straight to 7.00am, when I go downstairs to our kitchen and empty the dishwasher and make myself the first coffee of the day. At 7.10 I go into each dorm and bid everyone 'Good morning', advising them of the day's laundry requirements. Mrs C follows me at 7.15 and then Miss Chloe arrives and chivvies everyone along. I position myself in the Clubhouse, in front of the BBC News and await the first customers of the day, enquiring politely whether they have combed/brushed their hair, or whether they are aware that it happens to be 'national shirt tucking in day', etc., etc. and all that kind of banter. By 7.30 they're all down, and all out. Well, almost. Meanwhile, Mrs C and Miss Chloe are giving helpful advice and the odd bit of cajoling - and that, my dear Followers, is how the mornings work.

So, as Archduke Ferdinand used to say - allegedly - 'There it is'.

Goodnight.