Just 12 LMs with us tonight, which seems very few. You'd think, therefore, that my blood pressure would be at very normal levels, would you not, but no. No, of course not, because that something something Argos, or whatever it's called, isn't working. And there I was, happily imagining that an argos was one of those dreadful temples to materialism, when suddenly I had to get real and learn that it's something that shows films. Or rather, that doesn't. So they're watching 'War Games', and liking it. Ugh!!

And don't talk to me about that well-known chain of stationers and general c***-merchant that supplies me with my newspaper every morning. I strolled over there happily, ready to pick up the DT and stride out of the place as quickly as I could, averting my eyes from the burger machine, the rows of bottled water and those other 'must-haves' for contemporary living, like coca-cola, but could I do anything as simple as that? Could I heck. A person of indeterminate age in front of me wanted lottery tickets. And was the Lottery machine working? Of course not.

'I can type the numbers in for you, if you like', offered the kindly assistant. My heart sank, as she started to type - slowly. She must have realised that I was getting irritated, as she caught my eye and gave me what I can only describe as a somewhat winsome smile. Tempted as I was to return such ostensible affection with an impersonation of Uriah Heap in a mood, I smiled graciously back. I approached the counter and ....... gave the lady my newspaper ticket (it saves a fortune, you know), smiled again, and left.

Well what were you expecting? Mills and Boon? In M*****'s? I think not.

Time for Casulaty, methinks.

Goodnight.