So there I was, ruminating about how I should prioritise my 'things to do' list during our evening off, surrounded by the sound of gentle thumping from above, as usual on a Thursday night. Should I finish off the Junior Choir carol I've been writing; should I give further thought to tomorrow's English lesson with 5L, should I go and play through a Bach prelude or two, etc., etc.

Suddenly, the gentle thumping sounded like a turbo-charged herd of Hannibal's Alp-crossing elephants. I went upstairs, through the connecting door from our quarters to theirs and awaited the charge of what proved to be pillow-wielding infantry. As they arrived at the top of the stairs, their gaze was met by a less than happy lodgemaster. They melted into a genteel passivity as I signalled silently that they should sit. Once they had all frozen, I started my inevitable rant, pianissimo and in that well-rehearsed schoolmagisterial manner. (I'm sure you will remember it.)

pp: "Unblievable." (Dramatic silence.) "Utterly un-be-lievable."
(p:) "I cannot believe that boys in the third year - (mp:) the third year - could behave in such a ridiculous manner. (mf:) In all of my time as lodgemaster of Newton (which is less than a year, but they don't know that) I have never heard such an unacceptable racket! (f:) I find it absolutely extraordinary (I don't, in fact, because they're just boys having an inter-dorm pillow fight, but we'll pass that one by) that whenever Mrs Cheater and I have a free evening, (ff:) you lot - you lot - seem to think that this is an excuse to make (fff:) as much noise as you possibly (ffff, sf:) CAN!"

Like dogs that had just been rebuked for nicking the Sunday joint, they went silently back to their dorms.

I hear nothing more until almost lights out time. There is a knock on the connecting door upstairs.

"Sir, we're really sorry. Here are our apology letters." My turn to melt. And here, just for fun, is a sample of what I read.

"Dear Mr Cheater. We are extremely sorry for ruining your night off. Any punishment acceptable."

"Dear Sir, It was stupid of me to join in. I should of (sic) just stayed with xxxx and yyyy doing black magic."

Meltdown of lodgemaster complete.