Good evening, all, and bienvenue to all those of you who are reading this in France tonight, as I see that 17 of you are! My apologies, dear Ukrainian friends, for not knowing how to welcome you, but you, too, are most welcome.

I usually try to keep a note of things I want to tell you about, and tonight's list features several of the items from tonight's television news. But more of that in a moment.

Tonight I spent an engaging ten minutes displaying my own versatility with international accents, and enjoying that of some of your offspring, too. I competed against an upper bunker as far as my Russian accent was concerned (although he had overlooked the fact that there's no definite article in Russian, so I think I was victorious with that one, as we pretended to be Russian spies from the Cold War, but I nearly had to concede defeat as far as my attempts at a Scottish accent were concerned, because even though my Duncan Bannatyne impressions (that should push the stats number up) are pretty good, viz: 'I don't like you; I don't like your idea and your company is rubbish so I'm out', my competitor's efforts were equally as good, with an accent that was rehearsed, apparently, north of the Border.

As far as the news items are concerned, I began to think that I was living in a parallel universe when Jon Snow (more increased stats) was regaling me with what was going on internationally. If you didn't know me better, you'd think I was about to be admitted into the nearest, er, um, better be careful, because I don't think I can use the term I was about to use, any longer, without fear of being incarcerated somewhere else - if I were to inform you that Engelbert Humperdink was this year's chosen Eurovision candidate, and the Prime Minister had been riding a horse. Oh get real. Does anyone really care if the PM has been galloping around the countryside on the back of a questionable quadruped? 'It's all to do with symbolism', we learn from the excellent Channel 4 correspondent, who did admit that he and his colleagues had been having a (particularly apposite) field day: which is useful, because if so I can incorporate the saga into my English lessons.

As for Englebert, well, there's a nice touch of nostalgia for us all. I don't know the gentleman himself, but I do (did) know Morton Harket (up go the stats again) of Aha fame, whose daughter did herself feature on Eurovision. She's a Facebook friend of both Hannah and Tom - which is nice.

I'll let you know the stats number tomorrow night.

Goodnight.